The Basic Plan for Learning Chinese (I dare you to start reading).

I hear that you have made the big decision, that you’re ready to take the plunge, and want to start learning Chinese. Congratulations! Many people believe that they can start learning Chinese whenever they want. They are right. But their studies will be incomplete, often leading to embarrassing situations and losses of face. To avoid losing one’s face, it is best to follow the simple instructions below.

You should first purchase some essential tools. Please note, purchase is a critical word when learning Chinese, so be sure to have a clear and native like pronunciation of the English word. You must purchase, in order of importance, a hammer, saw, pliers, boards, nails, shingles and a blue print (blue print optional). Now build an addition onto your house. You will need it to store all your Chinese learning materials. If you are a college student, and the University does not permit dorm room additions, it is best to empty your room of all possessions and learn to sleep standing up to save space.

Now that you have built your addition, or mastered the art of vertical sleeping, it is time to go dictionary shopping. This is a multi-step process. First go to your local bookstore and purchase every book relating to the Chinese language or people that you can see. Second proceed to an online bookseller, and purchase the first 500 most popular titles in the Asian language section. Finally log onto a Chinese online bookseller and purchase anything that looks like a dictionary (since you currently don’t recognize any words, it is best to purchase most of the books available). You might find this excessive, but you will eventually buy it all anyway. If something does not fit in your dorm room, feel free to teach your roommate to sleep vertically.

Almost undoubtedly amongst all the material you have purchased are books on Feng Shui (the art of arranging things so they bring you positive energy), ancient wisdom, and the meaning of life. Carefully separate these books out and put them in a box. Mail the box to Afghanistan. You do not need to know about positive energy, ancient wisdom, or (goodness me) the meaning of life. You are learning Chinese!

Now you must master the names, authors, and publication dates of all the dictionaries and texts you have purchased. This might seem silly, but it is critical to maintaining face. Imagine a situation where you have not only learned a Chinese character, but remember it and have the opportunity to teach it to a fellow Chinese learner. Stop laughing, these situations have been known to occur. Your friend will naturally ask you which dictionary you learned it in. Now you can either mutter, “Um, that green one that I rest my knee on while sleeping vertically,” or you can proudly announce, “Master Wang’s 100,000 Estimable Characters, 3rd Edition, Great Wall Press 1998.” Obviously, you must begin memorizing names now.

Once you have mastered your dictionary collection, which should take no more than a year, it is time to begin the study of actual characters. Few people realize this, but Chinese characters are actually composed of things like fire, water, knives, blood, brains, and bamboo. Try not to be too worried; these are only represented in the character, not actual materials.

After studying for approximately five minutes you will realize that the characters have no alphabet, meaning that you must memorize not only the picture, but also the meaning, and also the pronunciation, and finally the tone. Some characters have multiple pronunciations, or tones, or meanings, or all three. This all might seem unfair to you. That’s because it is. But would-be Chinese Masters cannot be deterred by a little complexity. I recommend finding a Chinese language teacher to help you along the road.

There are basically three types of Chinese language teachers. The first kind is the young and beautiful female Chinese teacher. While this version may sound tempting, especially to male language learners, I highly recommend against this selection. Unless, of course, you have iron self discipline, upstanding moral character, and a strong desire to learn words like ‘passport,’ ‘visa,’ and ‘immigration’ first.

The second option is the highly skilled professional middle-aged language teacher. He has been tutoring students for three decades and his past pupils now work in premier embassies and institutions worldwide. He will be a first ballot language Hall of Famer. He inspires both awe and dedication. He speaks perfectly standard Mandarin. Unfortunately, he does not exist. And if he did, he would be too expensive for you (all those dictionaries really add up).

This leaves you with the final option, The Old Man, or more literally translated, The Old Head. The Old Head has some drawbacks. Namely, he does not speak English. Nor does he speak standard Mandarin. Instead he speaks a village dialect from Henan province, but don’t let this worry you. Most people can’t speak Chinese so they won’t know the difference. And those that do will be impressed by your dedication to preserving a dying dialect. Besides, the price is right.

It is important to understand The Old Head’s compliments so as not to get more discouraged than necessary (some discouragement should be expected: you sleep standing up and are learning a village dialect). For example, “You are so lazy! My granddaughter is three and can already write that word,” really means, “You are so lazy! My granddaughter is two and can already write that word.” See, he is saving your face by exaggerating the age of his granddaughter. Occasionally he will say something like, “You did not do badly today.” When that happens, do not wash your ear for three weeks to keep the residue of praise on it.

If you are truly a glutton for punishment, you can enter your Henan dialect sleep deprived self in a Chinese contest. Your Old Head will certainly accompany you to the event, and will happily engage in games of Chinese chess with other Old Heads. While preparing to recite poetry from the Southern Song dynasty that you don’t understand, you might wander over to him for some final pointers. He will move a horse on the chess board, look up, and introduce you to his friends as the finest and hardest working student he has ever had.
And you will realize that you have a lot more to learn about Chinese.

Note: this is based off of “How to Get Started in Bass Fishing” by Patrick McManus, published in The Night the Bear Ate Goombaw, page 56.

The most joyous time of the year! Spring Festival is hear! Unless, of course, you are a foreign teacher. In that case, everyone takes 30 hour train rides home and leaves you pondering why you even exist in China at the moment. I took the opportunity to go back to Hangzhou, my Chinese hometown. I also took Purple Cow with me, as one of my students gave me him to me so "I wouldn't feel lonely." What was amazing about the trip was that a lot of my friends were still basically themselves, in basically the same place. The odds of that are very small. You can see that Purple Cow is very popular!

Merry Christmas! What ever you believe the true meaning of Christmas to be, you can be pretty sure that Chongqing is yet to discover it. Above is the Christmas Eve celebration in downtown Chongqing. Hoards of people toting plastic clubs descend into the various city centers and thump each other until the early morning. It is utter madness, and nobody knows where the tradition started. It is unique to Chongqing.

I almost guiltily want to admit that I had a wonderful Christmas. Would I have rather been at home in the US? Yes. But I had a great amount of fun (before and after the riot police took my bang bang stick) and I must have the best students of any teacher anywhere. My students just poured affection on me over the last few days, and in the end I didn't feel any loneliness this holiday. I am very lucky.

Nobody every promised I was living in the most tolerant society. Last night I presented information on a group called AIESEC to Chongqing college students. The presentation was taken from Northwestern's branch of AIESEC, a group that helps students go abroad. One of the opportunities for NU was to teach English, I was presenting in English, and brilliantly made the following comment, "Well, maybe you couldn't teach English..." I thought about it for a moment, giggled to myself, and then amended, "Well, you could probably teach written English."

It was too late. I was the main subject on the comment forms.

"That crazy man from Northwestern has insulted the entire Chinese people! His sins cannot be forgiven!"

"Get that crazy person from Northwestern out of here!"

And so on, and so on.

On one hand, I know I simply need a thicker skin. People unfortunately bad mouth their teachers all the time. But on the other, the whole situation seemed very unfair to me. I immediately caught myself and corrected myself. During my presentation and after I never even considered that I had offended people. And here were people that were furious, which on a certain level can be understood. They've been learning English for a long time. But good lord, are they crazy?

Really, it just embodies the biggest problem (in my opinion) in Chinese society: they have a nation wide inferiority complex. Which causes little comments to be inflamed and responses to border on the ridiculous. My sins cannot be forgiven? Really?

Mostly I need to remember that non native speakers cannot detect any meaning except the literal spoken one.

Happy Thanksgiving!

To celebrate I enjoyed some weapons grade hotpot. The peppers float all over the top, the peppercorns float all through the middle, and the soup is bright red. I love it. It's also nice to be able to eat it with some people that I have known for a while and feel pretty comfortable with. Still, I'd rather watch football on TV and eat really Thanksgiving at home.

I am baking an apple pie tomorrow to celebrate. I am only missing half the ingredients and the crust. But I do have a tiny electric oven that I share with a neighbor. Success is certainly imminient!

I am forgetting how to spell.

I had an incredible speech today from a male student. It was at the very least, the most humorous thing I have heard in months—everyone was dying. He evidently is in love with Brittany Spears, and his speech was homage to her life. Homage that was presented in extremely high pitched broken English interrupted only by the sighs of the presenter. “This is Brittany when she young. So beautiful,” a deep sigh, “I love her.”

He continued on to cover Brittany’s various musical albums (“record smash 25 millions sold”) and her evolution from sweet and innocent girl to sexy woman. Concerning the album Toxic he stated, “She is so sexy now and all man want her.”

Finally, he moved on to her love life. “No, everyone say, Brittany, you must not marry K-Fed. So terrible! I cry that day.” The presentation featured numerous pictures of Brittany and Kevin looking miserable.

The class was rolling on the floor by this point, and so was I. I was caught between the desire to prevent the class from hysteria, and the terrible desire to reach hysteria myself. How could I end the funniest speech, if completely off the guidelines, in the history of mankind? Fortunately—or not—Cole made the decision for me.

In between sections of his speech, he played clips from her music videos. Needless to say, they were the most sexually charged things to ever appear in Spoken English class. When Brittany started grinding on a business traveler while dressed as a flight attendant in her underwear, and the class howled, I decided that the speech had reached its conclusion.

Wiping tears from my eyes I reclaimed my podium. Cole, somewhat disappointed at ending early, asked if her could make another speech later.

I woke up to a woman screaming. She can only be dying. That was my thought. I rushed out onto my porch and dialed Chinese 911. Now she was screaming in French. Then she was screaming in English. The operator answered.
“Come to the university immediately, someone is badly hurt!”
“What?”
I hate the Chinese language.
As I start to try to explain, another voice yells down to me that she’s not hurt. At least doesn’t have blood shooting out her veins. Her boyfriend in France just broke up with her.
“Please,” the 911 operator continues, “What?”
I feel stupid. Embarrassed by my overzealousness. The girl continues screaming. I hang up the phone and decide to just hope the police don’t come to my house. How I explain that no, her arm is not severed, just her heart?

And now I sit here in my house, kept awake for the third time in four days by the apartment above me, cursing my luck.

The Freedom Smoothie Stand had a short and happy life.  To be honest, I am not entirely sure what happened to it.  For the last 6 weeks I had been developing a smoothie to sell to at English Corner.  My kitchen is full of random fruit juices and bananas.  As you can see, it was relatively a hit.  But when time came to open my stand this week, I just did not want to.  I didn't want to carry 100 pounds of beverages up the hill.  Nor did I want so many people paying attention to me.  Mostly, I just felt tired.  And that my future does not lie in the beverage industry.  Though now I also feel some regret.

It's strange, really.  Sometimes I think I like the idea of doing something more than actually doing it.  But I have never been interested in business.  So to suddenly become a tycoon would be odd. 

The Local Prison

The approach to my university has several signs announcing that a prison is up the road.  I was considerably consternated by this, until I asked around and learned that it is now a tourist destination.  During WWII the Nationalist held communists in this prison, and to commemorate revolutionary glory, it is now an exhibit.  Complete with wild dogs to bark at the tourists.

The problem is, the dogs bark all the time.  Morning, noon, day and night, I hear this pack of muts.  In America, if a dog barks for five minutes, it bothers 10 people and the police come.  Here if a pack of dogs bark for five days it bothers 10,000 people and there's nothing we can do because the government is raising the dogs.  The Hand of God might as well be raising these dogs.  And they raise them to bark at people.

Needless to say, I am frustrated.

Happy National Day!
On October 1, 1949 the modern Chinese state was established. And so we celebrate that here with a week off for the whole country! This means that 1.4 billion people (yes, there's more of them) can all go traveling simultaneously to the same 20 places. If China is ever re-established, I am going to suggest that it take place over several weeks, so the country can go on vacation in phases.

For my en masse vacation, I took a boat on the Yangtze river through the "Three Gorges" to the super big Three Gorges Dam. I went with David, a friendly Briton who was a surgon in the Royal Navy for 25 years. Together we, and 300 others, toured several temples dedicated to ancient suicides, several ancient towns, and numerous gorges. The trip was relaxing, except for disembarking the boat. The boat could be on fire and people could not pack in tighter. I understand why, but it still makes me crazy.

David and I were also, almost predictably, befriended by an English major on the boat. She was very sweet, though her presence did lead to some hysterics. At one point David had left the cabin, leaving me and her chatting with the windows open. The guide came to tell me something, opened the door, and let in an 11 year old girl. She promptly ran over, grabbed the English major by the hair, and started screaming. I have had less awkward situations in my life, to say the least.

Opening Ceremony Success!

Good News: the evaluators enjoyed the opening ceremony, which probably means that we are all saved from fates worse than death. I did not record my singing act, but above is a piece of traditional opera performance. This particular one tells the story of women relying on each other during the Chinese revolutionary war. The stories they tell are actually very moving, if you don't stop to remind yourself of what actually happened you can get taken in. The women are clicking three pieces of bamboo to make the music.

Basketball
I have been playing a lot of basketball since I got here, mostly to get out and meet some people. Chinese basketball has some special characteristics. Defense is strictly optional. For anyone shooting from beyond 15 feet, it is automatically assumed that he will miss the shot. Even if he has made the last 4 shots from beyond 15 feet, he therefore should miss this one. The result is that the team that starts with the ball generally goes up 3-o before a turnover.

Extra points are earned by making fancy behind the back and no look passes, particularly if you're in the paint (not really, but maybe). People pass the ball over their shoulders, between their legs, and anywhere else that looks cool. And because most people can't shoot (see note above), at any given moment there are 5 or 6 players within 8 feet of the hoop. It's crazy, but it's pretty fun, too.

Common Sense to America
I generally don't write about things like politics. But I feel like these are some thoughts worth airing. Feel free to disagree with me, that's the beauty of America.

As of three weeks ago, I was a legitimately undecided voter. Then the national conventions came. Senator Obama selected a veteran foreign policy expert that fills one of his needs (I couldn't care less about Biden's ability to mouth off). Senator McCain selected Sarah Palin. A freshly minted governor with virtually no experience for three main reasons: she's a woman, she's extremely conservative, she's young. None of those relate to governing a country effectively.

McCain failed to vet this person. Since being announced as his running mate, she has come under fire for supporting wasteful projects in Alaska, pursuing personal political vendettas, hiring her friends, and tax problems. All of this information can be found here. McCain believed, or led us that he believed, that she is a reformer. In reality, Ms. Palin's biggest draws are that she firmly opposes abortion, and the fuzy idea that she can relate to you and me. McCain displayed awful politcal judgement.

Or did he? Since announcing Ms. Palin, McCain has surged in polls to the point that he is in the national lead. Perhaps conservative Americans (and I consider myself one) should think about this: religion and abortion are not the critical issue. A Democrat will not close down the churches. Even if abortion were fully illegal, women would have it done on the streets. Finally, the fact that Pain is a down to earth hockey mom does not make her a good politician.

Being President has nothing to with any of that. We shouldn't elect someone we'd like to have coffee with. Or go to church with. We should elect someone smarter than we are, who sees more clearly than we do, with an actual plan for the future. I would be mortified the day that Sarah Palin became the vice president (God forbid President) because she is none of those things. And America should be mortified as well.

Instead, the McCain- Palin ticket surges onward. Grow up, America.

Harmonious Discord
We are gearing up for our tremendous welcome ceremony. Last night we practiced for three hours (and the director wanted another three, but there was general mutiny). There are girls doing hip hop dance, people dancing in giant inflated olympic mascot suits, a weird foreigner singing a goofy song, and a band. Oh, what a band.

The band is composed as follows: flutes, bamboo flutes, violins, two stringed Chinese things, clarinets, trumpets. a pipa, a guzheng, a circle of organ pipes, Chinese cymbols and a coup de grace: An accordion (with a microphone to amplify it).

The result is an accordion and cymbol heavy symphony with a good deal of plucking, strumming, and organ pipe banging. The girl with the accordion just looks rediculous (and she looks like she knows it, too). I will retrieve photographic evidence if at all possible.

Evaluation Fever
My University, SISU, is preparing for the Central Education Bureau to come and evalutate us. This means a lot of things. It means an army of old men have been weeding, hoeing, and planting all over campus for the last two weeks. It means that our website has a countdown to evaluation. And it means that I am singing the song "Eidelweiss" to about a thousand people during our special "Evaluation Welcome Convocation."

Please note that there was no request to sing, simply the information that I am going to sing. My partner is a girl from the Spanish department, who confuses "Eidelweiss" with "Advice" and "Yes" with "Si," leading to the song "Advice, Advice, you greet me every morning! Clean and white, small and bright..." and me standing on stage thinking that it was the dumbest song I've ever heard.

But come hell or high water, SISU will be ready for the Inspector General Comrade Whoever, no question there.

Teaching
I teach about 300 students, each one of which I see once a week. If they we're not all named Apple, Candy, or Happy I'd never be able to learn their names. I held office hours in my apartment this past Thursday, and I was surprised that nobody came. I found out this morning that the guard to the Foreign Teachers' Housing wouldn't let the students in. He is, perhaps, slightly over zealous.

A view out over the school's sports courts to its administration building
My apartment. If you look carefully, you can see my clothes outside for everyone to observe.

Me in my new apartment at about 1:20 in the morning after arrival. I proceeded to kill about 30 mosquitoes and then go to bed.

The Blog is Back!

I am officially back in China, and this blog will now officially become much more interesting. Just for the record, I am teaching at Sichuan International Studies University in Chongqing. I have about 300 students whom I instruct in various arts: mostly international relations and English. And I am waging full scale war against ants in my apartment. Below are my entries starting from on the plane to Chongqing and moving forward.

On the Plane

I have invented a technology that allows planes to run nearly silently, quite comfortably, for thousands of miles. I am not sure how quickly it will be adopted, but I would expect results will be conclusive. In its most basic form, a large Grizzly Bear is chained to each boarding gate in an airport. The bear then simply eats anyone under the age of fourteen. Sure, there might be en masse infant casualties at the beginning. But parents would more than likely catch on quickly, and within weeks airplanes would be infinitely better places.

In the Airport

My current theory is that living in two cultures is like swimming a race with two different strokes. The first time you change strokes, of course it’s a disaster. You flail around, nearly drown yourself, until you figure it out a little. I am hoping the second time, I can pick up nearly where I left off. I’ve already ordered in a restaurant (something I have traditionally dreaded) and navigated my way to here, Gate 1, in the immaculate terminal.
Sometimes I just feel like people are meant to live in their own country. I’m a hundred times funnier and more comfortable in America. There are things about China I don’t think I’ll ever totally understand. This is generally my reaction when I am stuck 30,000 feet above the earth with nothing to do but wait. I’m not very lonely at the moment, though this is still all new at the moment.
In a deep thought, if you fly 10,000 miles an extra 6 miles above the earth, how many extra miles are you flying, anyway?

After 5 Days

Things are going well, better than I ever really could have hoped or expected. Compared to where I was after 5 days in Hangzhou, there is no comparison. I have a guy friend that I trust and like, an American friend who's a good guy, and two good Chinese girlfriends, who have announced I am their older and younger brother, respectively. I wake up and enjoy my days, I am looking forward to teaching class.