The Basic Plan for Learning Chinese (I dare you to start reading).

I hear that you have made the big decision, that you’re ready to take the plunge, and want to start learning Chinese. Congratulations! Many people believe that they can start learning Chinese whenever they want. They are right. But their studies will be incomplete, often leading to embarrassing situations and losses of face. To avoid losing one’s face, it is best to follow the simple instructions below.

You should first purchase some essential tools. Please note, purchase is a critical word when learning Chinese, so be sure to have a clear and native like pronunciation of the English word. You must purchase, in order of importance, a hammer, saw, pliers, boards, nails, shingles and a blue print (blue print optional). Now build an addition onto your house. You will need it to store all your Chinese learning materials. If you are a college student, and the University does not permit dorm room additions, it is best to empty your room of all possessions and learn to sleep standing up to save space.

Now that you have built your addition, or mastered the art of vertical sleeping, it is time to go dictionary shopping. This is a multi-step process. First go to your local bookstore and purchase every book relating to the Chinese language or people that you can see. Second proceed to an online bookseller, and purchase the first 500 most popular titles in the Asian language section. Finally log onto a Chinese online bookseller and purchase anything that looks like a dictionary (since you currently don’t recognize any words, it is best to purchase most of the books available). You might find this excessive, but you will eventually buy it all anyway. If something does not fit in your dorm room, feel free to teach your roommate to sleep vertically.

Almost undoubtedly amongst all the material you have purchased are books on Feng Shui (the art of arranging things so they bring you positive energy), ancient wisdom, and the meaning of life. Carefully separate these books out and put them in a box. Mail the box to Afghanistan. You do not need to know about positive energy, ancient wisdom, or (goodness me) the meaning of life. You are learning Chinese!

Now you must master the names, authors, and publication dates of all the dictionaries and texts you have purchased. This might seem silly, but it is critical to maintaining face. Imagine a situation where you have not only learned a Chinese character, but remember it and have the opportunity to teach it to a fellow Chinese learner. Stop laughing, these situations have been known to occur. Your friend will naturally ask you which dictionary you learned it in. Now you can either mutter, “Um, that green one that I rest my knee on while sleeping vertically,” or you can proudly announce, “Master Wang’s 100,000 Estimable Characters, 3rd Edition, Great Wall Press 1998.” Obviously, you must begin memorizing names now.

Once you have mastered your dictionary collection, which should take no more than a year, it is time to begin the study of actual characters. Few people realize this, but Chinese characters are actually composed of things like fire, water, knives, blood, brains, and bamboo. Try not to be too worried; these are only represented in the character, not actual materials.

After studying for approximately five minutes you will realize that the characters have no alphabet, meaning that you must memorize not only the picture, but also the meaning, and also the pronunciation, and finally the tone. Some characters have multiple pronunciations, or tones, or meanings, or all three. This all might seem unfair to you. That’s because it is. But would-be Chinese Masters cannot be deterred by a little complexity. I recommend finding a Chinese language teacher to help you along the road.

There are basically three types of Chinese language teachers. The first kind is the young and beautiful female Chinese teacher. While this version may sound tempting, especially to male language learners, I highly recommend against this selection. Unless, of course, you have iron self discipline, upstanding moral character, and a strong desire to learn words like ‘passport,’ ‘visa,’ and ‘immigration’ first.

The second option is the highly skilled professional middle-aged language teacher. He has been tutoring students for three decades and his past pupils now work in premier embassies and institutions worldwide. He will be a first ballot language Hall of Famer. He inspires both awe and dedication. He speaks perfectly standard Mandarin. Unfortunately, he does not exist. And if he did, he would be too expensive for you (all those dictionaries really add up).

This leaves you with the final option, The Old Man, or more literally translated, The Old Head. The Old Head has some drawbacks. Namely, he does not speak English. Nor does he speak standard Mandarin. Instead he speaks a village dialect from Henan province, but don’t let this worry you. Most people can’t speak Chinese so they won’t know the difference. And those that do will be impressed by your dedication to preserving a dying dialect. Besides, the price is right.

It is important to understand The Old Head’s compliments so as not to get more discouraged than necessary (some discouragement should be expected: you sleep standing up and are learning a village dialect). For example, “You are so lazy! My granddaughter is three and can already write that word,” really means, “You are so lazy! My granddaughter is two and can already write that word.” See, he is saving your face by exaggerating the age of his granddaughter. Occasionally he will say something like, “You did not do badly today.” When that happens, do not wash your ear for three weeks to keep the residue of praise on it.

If you are truly a glutton for punishment, you can enter your Henan dialect sleep deprived self in a Chinese contest. Your Old Head will certainly accompany you to the event, and will happily engage in games of Chinese chess with other Old Heads. While preparing to recite poetry from the Southern Song dynasty that you don’t understand, you might wander over to him for some final pointers. He will move a horse on the chess board, look up, and introduce you to his friends as the finest and hardest working student he has ever had.
And you will realize that you have a lot more to learn about Chinese.

Note: this is based off of “How to Get Started in Bass Fishing” by Patrick McManus, published in The Night the Bear Ate Goombaw, page 56.

The most joyous time of the year! Spring Festival is hear! Unless, of course, you are a foreign teacher. In that case, everyone takes 30 hour train rides home and leaves you pondering why you even exist in China at the moment. I took the opportunity to go back to Hangzhou, my Chinese hometown. I also took Purple Cow with me, as one of my students gave me him to me so "I wouldn't feel lonely." What was amazing about the trip was that a lot of my friends were still basically themselves, in basically the same place. The odds of that are very small. You can see that Purple Cow is very popular!